When the Clouds Go Rolling By Read online

  Alice was so upset that Seb should consider wearing a mask that she could remain silent no longer. ‘I remember. But there’s no need for a mask where you’re concerned. You’re thinking your cousin will be shocked when she sees you. Perhaps you’re remembering my fainting. You think I was repulsed but I wasn’t. I was in shock.’

  ‘I wouldn’t deny it did come as a shock to you, and the children, but why can’t you be honest with me and say you hate my face like this?’

  Alice heard a sound as if he had punched the wall and she winced. ‘You’re wrong, Seb. I’ve become accustomed to your face as it is now. I believe James and Flora have as well.’

  ‘You’re saying that one can get used to anything. Even if that were true, my cousin’s going to be put off by the sight of me.’

  ‘For God’s sake, Seb! She knows you’re scarred. The worst happened to her. She lost her father in the war. Why can’t you be grateful that you’re alive and she wants to meet you? Have some pity on her and the old woman.’

  ‘Pity!’ He laughed. ‘I’ve had a bellyful of that. At least Ma has the sense to stay away and save me her pity. Every time I look in Kenny and Hanny’s eyes I see pity.’

  ‘Compassion, Seb! That’s what you see… compassion,’ cried Alice. ‘Wasn’t that what you felt for Kenny when Bert crippled him?’

  Sebastian was silent. Then she heard his footsteps approaching and the next moment he said in a singsong voice, ‘I can see you.’

  She started back as an eye appeared at the crack in the door. Georgie giggled. The door was wrenched open and Alice’s heart seemed to bounce against her ribs as she confronted her husband. They stared at each other and suddenly she was weeping.

  ‘Don’t!’ He grabbed her shoulder and drew her and Georgie out of the larder.

  She placed a protective hand round Georgie’s head as he wobbled in her arms. ‘You’ve got nothing to hide. There’s no need for a mask,’ she sobbed.

  Sebastian’s eye glistened. ‘I disagree. With a mask I just might be prepared to see this cousin you’re so determined for me to meet. You can go to the yard now and tell Kenny he can make me one. He’s talented with his hands.’

  She was tempted to tell him to go to the yard himself and ask for this preposterous thing but did not dare. He freed her abruptly. ‘Well? What are you waiting for? Go! Take Georgie with you. The fresh air will do him good. I’ll fetch his perambulator.’

  Relieved that he had not hit out at her or Georgie, she agreed to do what he said, although she had no intention of going to the yard. But she needed to get out of the house. She put her son down and he toddled after his father into the hall. She marvelled at the sunny, accepting nature of their youngest child, so different from the awkwardness that was still there between their eldest son and Seb. Of course, James was nearly nine and remembered Seb taking him fishing along the Dee. With Seb finding difficulty casting a line, it seemed unlikely they would ever go fishing together again. Most likely their elder son was grieving for that easygoing comradeship with his father.

  She went and fetched her outdoor clothes and returned to find her husband leaning against the hall wall, watching Georgie attempt to climb into his perambulator unaided. She knew that Seb’s damaged arm was a constant frustration to him and wished desperately that its strength would return. Perhaps he should get in touch with the specialist surgeon who had first operated on it. She had seen the scars snaking down his arm but Seb had spoken little about what the operation had involved.

  She scooped up her son and fastened him into his perambulator. Seb had moved away from the wall and was now holding the pram handle, steadying the vehicle as it rocked with their son’s movements as she dressed him in his outdoor clothes. Once she had completed that task, Seb held the door open for her, watching her lower the perambulator down the step and onto the path with a fixed expression.

  She felt a need to say, ‘Georgie will want you to play ball with him in the garden when we get back.’

  He hesitated. ‘I’ll be here. I’ll have a look for the ball.’

  She heard the door close behind her and part of her wanted to rush back and say, Please, Seb, don’t do anything stupid, but she had to trust he would keep his word and be there waiting for their return. She would have so preferred Tilly to be at home instead of at the repair yard office. Her sister could have kept Seb company then. But what kind of life was that for either of them? She must stop worrying about him. So often she was torn in two between wanting to get away and being scared to leave him alone.

  Alice hurried along Victoria Crescent towards the bridge across the Dee. The trees were bare on the far bank and the water was so still that their image was reflected on its surface. She felt her heart lift at such beauty. Perhaps when spring came, Seb would be glad to be alive. She thought of what he had said about wearing a mask to face his cousin. There would be no mask, she thought fiercely. Perhaps she had done the wrong thing by inviting Clara to Sunday lunch, but it was too late now for regrets. She wanted to believe that she could become part of their family and be a blessing in disguise.

  Chapter Fourteen

  ‘Clara should be here soon,’ said Alice, watching her sister put the finishing touches to the table.

  ‘Do you think the snowdrops look all right in this little vase?’ asked Tilly, twisting round to face Alice.

  ‘They’re fine. Stop fussing.’ Alice’s hands twisted nervously. It was not only Clara’s imminent arrival that was causing her to feel on edge but that Seb was up in the attic, supposedly tidying it up. She was scared that he would notice items missing and ask her about them. Then she would have to tell him that she had been taking stuff to the pawnshop that really belonged to him. ‘At least I can be thankful that James and Flora are at a birthday party this afternoon so I don’t have to worry about how they’ll behave, although, on the whole, they’ve both coped well when Seb’s been short with them,’ she murmured. ‘And Georgie’s having his nap so he’s out of the way for the moment.’

  ‘Perhaps you should have written to Seb’s mother and asked her to come for lunch,’ suggested Tilly, tongue in cheek. ‘At least if she was here it would have made it worthwhile Clara coming if she doesn’t get to see Seb. I’m sure you’re thinking he’s hiding up there so he doesn’t have to meet her.’ Tilly moved away from the table and went to look out of the window.

  ‘I’m surprised at you saying that,’ said Alice tersely. ‘I thought my mother-in-law was your least favourite person. To suggest something that means you’d be spending time in her company goes beyond the call of family duty. Yours and mine.’

  Tilly laughed. ‘It was easy for me to say. If she hasn’t responded to your invitations to see her grandchildren and then her own son, then why should she make the effort for her niece? But you’re right about how I feel towards her. I remember her being horrible to me when I was little and living here with you.’

  Alice followed her sister over to the window and put an arm about her waist. ‘It’s because you were pretty, clever and young – still are. She also hated that Seb was prepared to pay for piano lessons for you. It wasn’t until later that we discovered what a tough life she’d had as a girl. She’d been acting a part for years. Even Seb didn’t know the truth about her upbringing until Mrs Black spilt the beans. But I’m not going to go on about the past.’

  Tilly pushed back a hank of long red-gold hair. ‘So what will you talk about to Clara? It’s strange to think that she’s related to Seb but it’s Joy and Freddie who have met her first.’

  ‘I don’t want to think about how they met. You know my thoughts about séances. Have you spoken to Freddie about her?’

  ‘No. He always seems to be out when I call there. Yesterday he was driving Kenny somewhere.’

  ‘Kenny’s too easygoing. I can’t understand why he encouraged Freddie to learn to drive during his sick leave last year. What good will it do him if he’s in the merchant navy?’

  Tilly said easily, ‘Freddie could alread
y drive. Seb gave him his first lessons a couple of years ago when he had shore leave after that collision in the fog on the Mersey.’

  ‘Even so…’ began Alice, only to break off as she noticed a dark-haired young woman opening the front gate. ‘This must be her!’

  Tilly pressed her face against the window. ‘Shall I answer the door or will you?’

  ‘I’d best do it. You go and check if the roasties are done and then light the gas under the rest of the veggies.’

  The sisters left the dining room together, parting in the hall. Alice hurried to the front door and opened it. Instantly, she was struck by the young woman’s likeness to her husband. ‘Heavens! You have to be Clara! You and Seb could be twins!’

  Clara chuckled and held out her hand. ‘Hello. You must be Alice. I’m so pleased to meet you, and I’m really looking forward to meeting Seb.’

  Alice’s heart sank but she shook Clara’s hand and said, ‘Do come in. Seb’s upstairs in the attic. You’ll have to forgive him if he doesn’t come hurrying down.’

  Clara stepped over the threshold. ‘How is he?’

  ‘So-so. Up and down.’ Alice sighed. ‘I asked him to leave things until he could have some help but I can only think that he likes mooching around up there on his own. It’s full of stuff that’s been dumped: unwanted furniture, pictures, dolls with broken heads…’

  ‘He might find something he can fix,’ said Clara.

  ‘Not with an almost useless arm.’

  Clara’s smile faded. ‘I’m sorry. I forgot about his arm. It was… his other injuries that played on my mind. I tried to imagine what it must feel like for that to happen to you.’

  Alice was touched by her words. ‘I know. Awful, isn’t it? He feels it. Thinks people are looking at that side of his face all the time.’ She stretched out a hand. ‘Here, let me help you off with your coat.’

  Clara removed her coat and hat and handed both to her. Then she fluffed out her long black curls. Alice smiled. ‘You’ve got Seb’s hair – and much as I regret to admit it, you really do have a look of his mother.’

  Clara looked surprised and uncomfortable. ‘Is that a bad thing?’

  Alice grimaced. ‘We aren’t the best of friends, but I suppose that’s not so unusual between daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws.’ Absentmindedly, she turned Clara’s hat between her hands and gazed down at it before hanging it on the hall stand with her coat. ‘She hasn’t even been to see him since his return.’

  Clara could not hide her astonishment. ‘Why? Isn’t she well?’

  ‘Her excuse is that she can’t get away from the farm. Seb thinks it’s because she doesn’t want to see him the way he is now.’

  ‘But that’s… terrible. If he was my son, I’d be desperate to see him to assure him that, if there was anything in my power I could do to help him, then I would do it.’

  Alice stared at her. ‘Joy was right. You really are nice. I wonder if it’s worth risking his anger.’

  Clara blushed. ‘It’s good of her to say that but… what d’you mean… risk his anger?’

  ‘Can I be honest with you?’ asked Alice.

  ‘I’d prefer it,’ said Clara. ‘Although, if you’re going to tell me Seb doesn’t want to see me, then I’ll be honest in return and say I’ll be disappointed.’

  ‘In that case, perhaps we need to force his hand.’ Alice seized Clara’s arm. ‘Come upstairs with me.’

  Clara did not argue but went with her. When they reached the first landing, Alice said, ‘I did mean it when I said he might be angry. You need to be prepared for that. He’s not going to be pleased by us disturbing him.’

  ‘I just want to be friends with the family.’

  ‘I understand that and normally Seb would be prepared to welcome you, but at the moment he’s feeling pretty useless and is worried that you’ll want something from him that he can’t give.’

  Clara groaned. ‘He isn’t telepathic, is he?’

  Alice stopped and stared at her. ‘You mean – does he read minds from a distance?’

  ‘Yes. I don’t want to be disloyal to Gran, but your husband is really as much family to me as she is. I’ve done what I can for her but she always wants more. She thinks family are there to get what she can from them.’ She paused and bit her lip. ‘I’ll add to that it must have been difficult for her when she was young with my grandfather at sea and a new baby started nearly every time he came home. Most of them died in infancy. You said you were going to be honest, well, that’s what I’m being. But I’d never ask for money or take any from Sebastian if that’s what he’s worried about. I haven’t come here on the scrounge,’ she said firmly.

  Alice was relieved. ‘That’s good because we haven’t any cash to spare. You might think we’re comfortable when you look at this house but we haven’t much money coming in.’

  ‘I understand,’ said Clara, glad that Alice felt that she could be honest with her and was so easy to talk to. As they went up the next flight of stairs, she added, ‘The war’s changed everything, but even before it, my life took a change for the worse. I had a pretty carefree life until my mother died when I was thirteen. That was when Gran came to live with us, and then Dad volunteered in his late thirties. I knew why he did it. It was because he saw a film of the Somme and wanted to help. Then he was killed and I wanted the clock to go back, but one can’t go back.’

  Alice said, ‘There must be millions of us that wished that, but we just have to go on.’

  Clara nodded. ‘Dad would want me to look to the future and that’s what I’m doing.’

  ‘I told Seb that I couldn’t have managed my difficult times in the past without help from family and friends, so I reckon it’s the same with the present and the future; we all need ongoing help.’ Alice dropped her voice because they had reached the top floor of the house. ‘I hope he won’t be too annoyed. I find it difficult when he gets angry with me. I start thinking of my father, who went mad. He used to hit my mother. I hated him for it and I still do.’

  Clara was silent. She could feel her heart beating rapidly. Part of her wanted to go back because Alice’s mention of madness made her think of wild-eyed monsters, and then, unexpectedly, the memory of the man she had met on the way to Mrs Black’s last year popped into her mind. He’d mentioned that his madness had been the cause of a rift with his family. Ahead of them, along a short landing, was a closed door. ‘Is he in there?’ she asked.

  Alice nodded, listening intently. ‘Can you hear anything?’ she whispered.

  Clara shook her head. ‘Are you going to knock?’

  Alice’s green eyes were apprehensive and she clutched Clara’s arm. ‘Wait,’ she whispered.

  Clara did not move for several minutes and she could feel the tension rising within her. Suddenly, she could stand it no longer. ‘If you’re so worried about his losing his temper,’ whispered Clara, ‘we don’t have to go in.’

  ‘But it’s so cowardly of me to feel like this.’

  ‘Would you like me to knock?’

  Alice did not answer and Clara could see clearly that she could not make up her mind what to do. Taking a deep breath, she removed Alice’s hand from her arm and walked over to the door and knocked.

  ‘Is that you, Alice?’ demanded a harsh voice. ‘I told you I didn’t want to be disturbed.’

  Neither woman spoke.

  When the voice did not come again, Clara tried the door. It opened and, after a brief hesitation, she stepped inside. A dark-haired man was standing over by the window, holding a picture frame in one hand. At the sound of the door opening, he glanced her way. She saw him give a start and felt a similar sensation because, from her viewpoint, she could have been looking at a younger version of her father. She waited for her cousin to speak first, but when the silence stretched into what felt like an age, she decided it was up to her to say something. ‘You are my cousin Sebastian?’

  He did not answer and for a moment she was at a loss how to proceed. Then he said in an abr
upt tone, ‘Did Alice tell you I wanted to meet you?’

  ‘No. In fact she said that you didn’t want to be disturbed. I said I’d be disappointed if I didn’t see you.’

  He frowned. ‘Why do you want to see me? I can’t do anything for you or your grandmother. I’m having enough difficulty caring for my wife and children.’

  ‘I’m not here on the scrounge. I’m perfectly capable of supporting myself! I’ve got a job in a picture house as a cashier.’ A slight smile curved her lips. ‘I love films and music, so although it doesn’t pay as much as when I worked in munitions, I enjoy it so much more.’

  ‘Good for you,’ he said. His voice sounded raw. ‘At least the war did some women a favour. Probably did more to free them than all the window smashing and hunger strikes of the suffragettes.’

  His words amazed her and she took several steps towards him. ‘I suppose that’s true in a way. But what about those who’ve lost their fathers, sons and brothers?’

  ‘Damn! Of course you’re bloody right. I was looking at it from a different angle. I forgot you lost your father.’ Seb’s hands fumbled with the back of the picture frame.

  ‘That’s OK. You didn’t know him. I wish we had known about you. He would have liked to have met you. I’m sure he would have liked a son, just as much as I’d have liked a brother… or a sister.’ He did not speak so Clara continued, attempting to make him understand why meeting him was so important to her. ‘I grew up amongst children who, more often than not, were from big families. I often envied them because I felt the odd one out. On the other hand, I had most of Mam and Dad’s attention.’

  ‘I could echo what you say so far but you were luckier than me. I grew up fatherless, believing he was dead,’ Seb’s voice was strained.

  She remembered what Joy had told her about Seb’s parents. ‘Did you want brothers and sisters?’